Eurovision 2009

Sha to 911: You’ve got to help me! 25 European countries just crashed into my lounge!

911 operator: It's OK madam, that’s just Eurovision 2009!!!

Most of us have heard of the Eurovision Song Contest, but how many of us in the Antipodes really understand the gravity of what it is?

Lucky for you I will tell you. Eurovision is a road crash, a 25 car pile up, except the cars are actually European countries that fought to be in the road crash. After the road crash, one half of the victims sing soothing songs to calm the other half who are maniacally jumping around dazed and demented (sometimes in their bloodied national costumes).

Every country airs the competition with a national celebrity providing voice commentary whilst the tragedy unfolds. For 30 years, Britain had Terry Wogan whose great last sentences before retiring included: “Eurovision is a triumph of appalling taste” and “I don't want to be presiding over yet another debacle”, and when asked what he will be doing this year stated "I will sit there and get drunk, the same as when I was commentating".

This year Graham Norton picked up the mantel, and I have it on good authority that Norton’s approach is fairly indicative of 38 years of Wogan’s, with one possible difference being that Norton appeared to remain sober.

The Brits will tell you with genuine surprise that they haven’t won Eurovision in years. I can probably offer some clues as to why, you see in recent years there is something called the Internet and live streaming, this means any country can watch Eurovision from another countries perspective, i.e. listen to your neighbouring countries commentary. Then there’s the unprecedented European migration into Britain by cell phone wielding maniacs texting their Grandparents in Armenia to relay the verbal atrocities being said about their national dances and costumes by the British Pig Dogs.

Britain’s commentary has one sole aim, and that is to mock every other participating country. Norton, and previously Wogan, launch an unrelenting - occasionally funny - tirade of denunciation and mockery towards their European neighbours. I personally found this oddly insulting to my intelligence, because Eurovision achieves this on its own, without the aid of a celebrity pointing out the obvious.

Anyway, what really counts is that the 24 other competing countries are freakishly serious about it! And then I became freakishly serious about it. So much so that I was moved to grab pen and paper to record my own scores, with my two judging categories being ‘Visuals’ and ‘Song’,

Time has now passed, my blood pressure has dropped, and I can barely remember what all the commotion was about. Except I still have my score sheet which I now review to reflect on the horror that was Eurovision, and the split second assessments I was forced to make between each performing country.

My piece of paper reveals quite succinctly what I thought, starting with the Norwegian song that would go on to win Eurovision 2009; Visuals; “Hate him”, Song; “Hate it”.

Israel induced a bit more commentary with its approach. Synopsis; enter Palestinian and Israeli female duo looking like sexy grim reapers singing over and over again ‘there must be another way’. I presume they weren’t talking about washing tips for getting blood out of children’s clothing. My succinct judgement at the time; Visuals; “misuse of a Palestinian”, Song; “Uck!”

I had to add an extra column headed ‘Extraordinary feats’ when the German entrant started tap dancing whilst Dita Von Teese, ex wife of Marilyn Manson, attempted to burlesque dance to a Ritalin drugged swing band about to blow its collective lolly in a bewildering crescendo of sound. And no matter how many times I re-watch the video, the moment German entrant guy's shirt comes undone to reveal his creepy man chest remains an apparent act of God.

My new ‘Extraordinary feats’ column would come in handy again later when the Ukraine offered their visual depiction of a Roman themed Fetish party. Judgement placed in my Song column....“No F-ing way”.

Needles to say, during the official vote counting, had it not been for the concrete walls of our flat, I would have been arrested for verbal ‘hate crimes’ against no less than 10 European countries.

So, for the same reasons I no longer watch International Rugby, I can never watch Eurovision again. It is too nerve wracking and stressful!!! Yet deep in my heart I know this is not true, because just like a road crash, next year I will feast my eyes on the gory sight all over again.

Roman Fetish Party - watch to the end if you dare


Bollywood pirates???


Soooo never going to Norway now...